The Chronicles of Camille: A Vibrant Mosaic of Race, Gender, and Faith

This week we're blessed with the presence of Camille Hernandez, a Black-Filipino, gender expansive woman who navigates her life as an author, poet, abolitionist, and mother. Camille bares her soul as she shares her journey from her upbringing in Orange County, encountering the dominant narrative of queerness through the eyes of a queer white male, to her eventual self-acceptance and her consequent return to her true self.

Our conversation spirals around the complexities of faith, gender identity, and race, and the transformative role of influential queer activists like Angela Davis in shaping her understanding of queerness. We navigate with her through her college years and her quarter-life crisis, all the way to her redemption and personal growth as she confronts her past prejudices. The story of Camille is a shining beacon of courage, honesty, and the beauty of individuality. You can also get Camille's book: The Hero and The Whore  here.

Tune in to this stirring episode of Life After Leaven as we explore the essence of finding our true selves and embracing the healing that comes along the journey.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

From the other side of toxic Christianity. I found myself faced with one question Now what this podcast is about that question? We have conversations with folks who are asking, in themselves, the same things. We're picking up the pieces of a fractured and fragmented faith. We're finding treasure in what the church called trash, beauty and solidarity in people and places we were told to fear, reject and dismiss. I'm Tamee Spencer Helms and this is Life After Leaven. What's up everybody? Welcome back to this episode of Life After Leaven. I'm your host, tamee Spencer Helms, and I'm joined this week by my brand new friend, camille Hernandez. I have Camille introduce herself to y'all and then we'll jump into the episode. So welcome, camille.

Speaker 2: 0:46

Thank you so much. Hi everyone, my name is Camille Hernandez. I am a black in Filipino, gender expansive woman, author, poet, abolitionist, mom, spouse all the things, all the things.

Speaker 1: 1:06

Yeah, I'm excited to have you. So we had a. I had a DM from my friend, Sandy, who said that I should definitely get you on because the season's getting ready to wrap up and was like I definitely got to get you on for the season in particular. So tell me a little bit about your experience with queerness, gender expansiveness and kind of what your story has been like.

Speaker 2: 1:28

Yeah, there's different levels to it. So, first and foremost, I grew up in Orange County, california, so I am a black girl from the suburbs which is very very same and my first introduction to queerness was very much like the, what we would say is like the dominant narrative of like queer, queer white male and I. I don't know about you, but my experience with queer white male is that like there is this very odd dependency on having like a black woman to be the cornerstone of their identity.

Speaker 1: 2:12

Say a little bit more. Say a little bit more about that, because a lot of people are familiar with that.

Speaker 2: 2:16

Yeah, like queer white males really meet, like in their minds they either need to have a sassy black woman friend which is very much like singular archetype, you know, like there is it is like almost like the queer version of a mammy, I would say or they would, they like, adopt their perception of what a black woman is, and then we'll take on those traits while simultaneously being fun of those traits. And so I like it's very interesting to me because I played into it- and.

Speaker 2: 2:55

I'm your sassy black friend. Blah, blah blah, I'm gonna go open the suburbs. And then that was like, and that introduction into queerness was in high school. I went to college at UC Santa Cruz, which is like one of the at the time was like one of the top three safe spaces for queerness. On top of that, you know, I'm studying under amazing queer activists right, like you know, apricot Angela Davis.

Speaker 1: 3:28

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You took classes with Angela Davis.

Speaker 2: 3:33

Yes.

Speaker 1: 3:34

She's amazing True.

Speaker 2: 3:36

What's more important is to serve her coffee. Because I worked at a coffee shop and she knew my name. But I was like I don't care if I fail your class, I care that you know my name. And you looked at my name.

Speaker 1: 3:45

Yo, I literally had a dream about Angela Davis this morning. That is so funny.

Speaker 2: 3:53

I wish I could say I can share that with you, but I don't have relationship with her, Of course, Definitely for a faster intellectual. And yeah, so my understanding of queerness expanded in college beyond white male queerness, which is still like a dominant narrative. That's what I was used to, that I floated towards. But then I had my professors who really challenged me and I had friends who really challenged me. I was in an African-American theater arch troupe and one of the assistant directors is a queer black feminist and she did so much in helping me understand that there is so much more depth and brevity to queerness and at that time I was suffocating so much of my own racial identity and she was helping me come in at forefront and so I'm really grateful for it. And it was also the time when I was introduced to people who were trans, specifically in the process of them transitioning their gender, to becoming more, to becoming themselves really is the journey of health and I wish I could say that I was totally open and I was an ally.

Speaker 2: 5:17

But at that time I was stuck in the Black Missionary Baptist Church, which is very interesting, and I do regret how I acted with people who were trans at that time and there were we all.

Speaker 2: 5:34

So we all and yeah, so that was like that's something that I a journey that I've been working towards redeeming and have really dived deeper into myself to forgive myself for how I was and also celebrate who I'm becoming. Yeah, and after college, I had what we like to call a quarter-life crisis Didn't really know you. So I went back to my suburb of whiteness and attended the White Evangelical Church with my friend who had spent almost a decade there I think actually a decade there and there was this push and pull of like, hey, I actually don't think that queerness is wrong, but I'm around people who say that it's demon, demonic and something of my own belief. Until, finally, I look like I can't do this. I can't be in this community of people who have these very harmful beliefs, and I wasn't even pretending to be like them, but I was suppressing myself, and that silence that I had was still violence, mm.

Speaker 1: 6:58

Ooh, the violence of silence.

Speaker 2: 7:01

Yeah, damn.

Speaker 1: 7:03

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 7:06

I decided to do like an underground Bible study, like folks who were also on their journey, their own current history. But it didn't last very long and then 2020 happened and I was just like I can't these people. I was a church and then I started returning back to my true self, who was the woman that I was in college, who was more accepting, more loving, more kind. But on top of returning to that true self, there was all of this healing work that I was doing layered on top of it. So it was like a returning back, but also like a bringing forward.

Speaker 2: 7:56

And then the bringing forward. I started growing into my own journey of queerness and then I was like, oh, hey, yeah, this is really important to me because this is me.

Speaker 1: 8:09

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 8:10

I'm not like I don't have a magical coming out story.

Speaker 1: 8:14

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